Owen Caulfield
by Anyanka Black
Summary: Owen Caulfield wan't ever noticed, but he had a plan. Using a spell to make himself popular he plunges Hogwarts into an alternate reality. Now it's up to....considerate!Draco to save the day! Hey, our usual hero's are on crack!
1. It Begins

Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters, settings, ect. don't belong to me, they belong to JK Rowling and/or Warner Bros. The plotline for a guy who wants to be popular and creates an Alternate Reality comes from the episode of Buffy, Jonathon. I think it's season three

Owen Caulfield wasn't a bad guy; he was in Hufflepuff, a second year, good at transfiguration, and pretty attractive. He had light wavy blond hair, clear blue eyes, and of medium build, but no one seemed to like him. In his years at Hogwarts he hadn't made a single friend. This was enough to turn him into an angry little man.

"Yes!" called a voice in the library. Hermione looked over and scowled. It WAS a library after all. She saw that he was wearing a Hufflepuff badge, but she didn't recognize him, but she couldn't help smiling when Madam Pierce went to yell at him.

Owen had just received a lecture- but he didn't care! He had finally found a spell to make people notice him, to like him! He had only been looking for a spell like this since his first year. This spell it would make him the best at everything, but there was a problem. To balance out the new forces of good he had to create a force of evil. He an idea of what to do with the forces of evil.

Harry entered the common room, and made a beeline strait for Hermione. Rom grinned at him, gave him a thumbs-up, and mouthed, "she'd say yes!"

Harry grinned, and if he was at all religious he would have fallen down onto his knees and prayed! He sat across from Hermione and to his surprise she said:

"Harry, I like you a lot!" she blushed at the look of surprise on his face and stammered, "b-but if you d-don't feel the s-same." She sprang up and ran to the girls dormitories. He banged his head against the table again, and again, and again, until people began to look over at him in concern. Ron finally stopped him.

Harry said, "I blew it." His voice cracked, and he refused to say anymore.

In the Slytherin common room Draco was lounging on a chair talking loudly to anyone who would listen, about the stupidity of muggles. "And these muggles they actually use brooms for sweeping _floors!_ And then they all think that anyone that claims they perform magic is a nutter, and they ship them off to an _insane asylum!_ I mean what is an _insane asylum_? They have something called _electricity_, and their mail is carried by _people_!"

Several people scoffed with Draco, some of them didn't even take in a word of what he said, but they were so ready to make friends with this popular, attractive Malfoy, and some of them actually took Muggle Studies and knew Draco was just being ignorant, but they weren't about to tell him so.

"If I could kill a muggle without going to Azkaban, I'd murder them all!" Draco paused and did some serious thinking "you know even if I did kill all the muggles, my father and Fudge are friends, and he has all these ties to the Ministry I'd probably receive an Order of Merlin first class! No not first class! They'd have to invent a whole new class for the man who gets rid of Muggles!" Draco erupted into laughter

In the Ravenclaw common room, many people were reading, mainly quidditch magazines, even though they where intelligent it _was_ a weekend. Several people were listening to a Wyrd Sisters concert on the radio and where singing rather badly along. Padma scowled and rubbed her temples, wincing. Three straight hours of people screaming out of tune gave her a serious headache.

She reached for her wand; whispered "_blasterto_" and the music player blew up.

She smirked as someone angrily called, "Oi! Who did that?" No one had seen her commit the crime, she picked up her books and retreated to the dormitories, she could get some sleep now.

Owen retreated to the Hufflepuff common room. He looked around, nothing had changed. Some people were crying over Cedric Diggory. Diggory had been well-liked; Owen hated him with a passion. Why did everyone like Cedric? Why not him? That would all change! People were playing exploding snap and drinking butterbeer. A regular Saturday. No one had even looked up as he had entered; they were too wrapped up in themselves to even notice him. He grinned, that would all change, everything would change. Now all he needed was a cockroach......He spied one it the corner and he skillfully caught it.

He should try out for seeker, but he'd be the best at everything after he did the spell, he assumed that included quidditch. He grinned and went to his dormitory. None of the four people he shared the room with were here, that was good for his purposes. The spell was complicated; it was to be done in the old style, with herbs, candles, and chanting. No one practiced the old magic anymore, it was done by appealing to the gods but now that few people actually believed in the gods anymore it was practically worthless. He did believe in the gods, his family was very old fashioned. He took out candles, lit them and placed them in a circle. He sat in the middle of the circle, scattered a mixture of herbs over the flames and chanted:

"_Mithros, god of the sun_

_Alter reality and the heavens_

_In my favor_

_Make me_

_The best_

_The best of all_

_At everything_

_I beg of you O Mithros_

_Alter reality, the heavens_

_For me_

_A believer."_

The candles all flared up and the flames turned to silver before going out. From the extinguished flames rose a silver vapor which surrounded him and flowed into his skin. A similar gold vapor likewise covered the cockroach that had also been surrounded by a smaller circle of candles. The spell was complete and the cockroach, that he had filled with a force of evil scurried off. He didn't know if the spell had worked, but he would find out tomorrow. He gathered up the candles and went to sleep.

Harry awoke and opened his drawer; he took out a needle, found a vein and injected the substance into it. The world swayed for a moment and then was replaced by a fluttering, insanely happy, giddy feeling. He grinned oafishly and went down to the common room. The common room was filled with smoke. Some of it grey, but also other assorted colors like pink, green, and a nastily bright shade of violet. Despite of the smoke Harry found Ron and Hermione seated on some squashy armchairs.

Ron mumbled, "'lo 'Arry."

Hermione said brightly, "hello! Isn't it just a wonderful day to be alive? It just fills me with a cuddly, fuzzy, fluffy feeling!" she stood and hopped up and down. "Look Harry! I'm a little bunny and, and look I can wrinkle my nose like a bunny!" she then attempted to wiggle her nose. "Oh I now what we can do today! We can go looking for the secret gate to the realm of the fuzzy-wuzzykins!"

She dived into her bag and pulled out a picture that looked like it had been drawn by a demented three year old. She pointed to what looked like a blue triangle with a pink circle on top of it "See, It's a map! And that, that's the bush of jolliness and if you pet it and tell it it's a good boy, it'll lead you to the secret gate to the realm of the fuzzy-wuzzykins!"

Harry tuned her out and took out a small white square and filled it with blue powder. He rolled it up, lit it and puffed, adding blue to the other colors of smoke floating around.

Draco woke up, went down to the common room and took out what looked like a blue circle with yellow rectangles coming out of it. He pulled out some knitting needles and they started working on the– sweater? Pansy came running down the stairs saw Draco and squealed: "Oh, _Draco_! I need you're help!"

Draco looked at Pansy and said, "What's the problem?"

Pansy suddenly became very girlish. She twisted from side to side before whispering, "I like......._Ronald Weasley!" _she squealed out the last two words before opening her eyes wide in anticipation of Draco's excellent advice.

"If you like him you should tell him, honesty is always good. But you have to promise me that even if you date a Gryffindor don't do drugs like them! I mean it drugs are really bad things, and they do bad things to people." Draco calmly returned to his knitting needles as Pansy nodded vigorously and ran out of the common room, to find Harry Draco presumed. Draco put the– sweater? Back into his bag and announced to no one in particular: "I'm off to arrange a Portkey to _Draco's House for Underprivileged Children." _Draco walked out and the people in the common room watched him leave.

"How can anyone be that considerate?" A voice asked

"Only Draco." Someone else said

"Draco! Ha! whatever Draco can do Owen can do ten times better!"

"Owen's great, but he hasn't opened five houses for underprivileged muggles, now has he?"

"No, Owen's opened fifty!"

In the Ravenclaw common room, nobody had ever gone to sleep. Everyone had glowsticks, and glowstick jewelry. There were foggers, and pretty lights– ooh pretty lights! Shiny things and a giant glowstick in the corner that people kept falling to there knees in front of. Loud music was playing. People were doing all sorts of weird dancing and singing, but no one was blowing up the player this time. Cho and her friends were all dancing in a circle, laughing happily. Every now and then five or so people would go over to the giant glowstick and fall onto their knees. Padma Patil was dancing with a Ravenclaw boy named Terry Boot.

She excused herself and went over to the giant glowstick. She fell to her knees and murmured, "oh Glowy, the god of parties, and bright lights, and Ooh! Sparkly things, and music and dancing!" she made her way back into the dancing crowd, passing Minerva McGonagall who had her hair down and was wearing tye-dye robes.

Owen awoke and found that his dormitory, that usually held five people, now only had him. The walls were stone, and there was a plush yellow rug on the floor. He had a hug bed with a yellow canopy. One of his walls was all windows, giving him a beautiful view down on the grounds. There were also yellow chairs and couches, and bookshelves that held books that he doubted even the library had! He knew the spell had worked and he grinned. He put on his yellow slippers and walked down to the common room. His fellow Hufflepuffs cheered his arrival, some girls even fainted. He grinned at them; one girl went up to him holding a book titled _Oh! Owen_ he took out a pen and signed it. He took a good look around the room and noticed it was covered with posters of him! Him singing, dancing, playing quidditch, accepting many awards, making the fastest broom ever, and all sorts of other things. He grinned, this spell was a stroke of brilliance or luck, he wasn't sure which. He walked out of the common room, and into the hallway. Like the common room, the walls were covered with pictures of him. He saw one of him standing victoriously over a pile of death eaters and another one of him vanquishing he-who-must-not-be-named. He was surprised that he _remembered _doing all these things, well technically in this world he had done.


	2. Things go wrong

1Chap 2: Things go wrong

Back into the rainbow of smoke that was the Gryffindor common room Ron was singing rather badly:

"_Sometimes I run_

_Sometimes I cry_

_Sometimes I'm scared of you_

_But all I really want is to fly"_

Ron then yelled, "wait, I can fly I can fly! Hedwig, wait for me!" Then he jumped out of the window.

There was a second when time stood still, when everyone paused what they were doing, smoking, sniffing, injecting and watched. That second was over, and Ron fell downwards again. Hermione tried a spell, but she was too overenthusiastic and the spell slowed down Ron's decent so he hit the ground with less force then he originally would have. But, nevertheless there was a nauseating crunch. Then the Gryffindors stopped watching and continued use of their drugs. Owen ran out onto the grounds and conjured a stretcher for Ron before rushing him to the hospital wing.

Owen examined Ron as he ran along the hall. He suffered a bad fall, but he was a fully qualified medi-wizard so Ron would be alright in his expert hands. While he was running down the hall people continually tried to get him to autograph their copies of _Oh! Owen_ but he refused and they looked happy that he had actually acknowledged them. He got to the hospital wing where there was a sign Madam Pomfrey had put up that said "Come in everyone!_"_ he rushed in and checked out the damage. Ron's right leg was shattered, his left ankle was broken, he had a major concussion, and he had broken both arms in several places, a couple of ribs were cracked, but nothing had pierced his lungs.

Madam Pomfrey bustled in, saw Ron and gasped. "You're on your own for this one; I've never treated anything that bad."

Draco walked into _Draco's House for Underprivileged Children_. Seeing it always made him smile, it felt so good to be helping people, especially people less fortunate then him. He grinned thinking of the day his father renounced his allegiance to Voldemort and announced his allegiance to Owen, and then how Owen had triumphed over Voldemort and his remaining Death Eaters. He walked in and went to the kitchen to help prepare lunch for the children, which was thirteen blue sandwiches. When the sandwiches were finished Draco helped serve the sandwiches and then played with the children before taking a portkey back to Hogwarts.

Owen didn't know how he was going to heal Ron, but all of a sudden medicines and potions popped into his head, he grinned and started working. After two days in the hospital wing, Ron was able to sit up without any pain.

Draco was famished, he didn't get to eat any of the blue sandwiches so he went to the kitchens to get a snack, only, when he arrived something was terribly wrong. The house elves were sitting on lawn chairs, wearing coconut bras and hula skirts while being fanned and fed peeled grapes. They had transfigured the kitchen into the Bahamas and were having a luau. Draco stared slack-jawed at what was once the kitchen, and Winky and Dobby ran past him, _in the nude_ before jumping in the way-too-blue Caribbean water. Draco turned and ran.

"Je aime le pomme!" Lavender exclaimed as Draco ran past her.

He passed an alter to glowy, the almighty god of parties, glowsticks, dancing, music, pretty lights and– Ooh! Sparkly things. When he reached the Slytherin common room he slowed down and walked in, only to find that this place was as scary and messed up as the rest of the castle. Pansy was collecting bugs and turning them into fluffy multi-colored bunnies before putting them in a basket labeled "RONALD WEASLEY, I LOVE YOU!" Draco ran into his dormitory, shut the hangings, and fell into a troubled sleep.

The next day Ron awoke to find a basket full of fluffy multi-colored bunnies at his feet. He looked at it blankly before going downstairs to find Harry, for Ron was let out of the hospital wing that day, on his way out he passed Owen. He dropped on his knees and kissed Owen's feet before skipping away. In the common room was a giant jelly doughnut that his brother Bill was munching on.

Ron muttered, "Poor Percy, he never was too good at transfiguration."

And sat down with Hermione and found, to his surprise that she was sitting in DUDLEY DURSLEY's lap!

"Oh Ronnie! Look at duddykins! He and his family moved in with Hagrid! We're going to look for the realm of the fuzzy-wuzzykins, we know for a fact it's at the bottom of the lake!" They flounced off together.

It was a Sunday, which meant one thing, it was VOLLEYBALL DAY! They made their way down to the volleyball court. The Dursleys were there, staring at the head cheerleader, TONKS! She had long platinum blond hair and was waving pom-poms. The game was great; it was Owen verses, the Gryffindors, who lost miserably because they were hallucinating too badly to see the ball.

Owen grinned this spell worked better than anything he ever imagined. Everyone liked him, knew him, worshiped him, heck he was even the boy who lived! He was macho and cool and everyone wanted to be just like him. Popularity like this wasn't even dreamed of, it would be considered foolish, but here it was at his feet. He grinned at everyone before strutting off the field, and ordering one of his year-mates to bring him a 200 pound puff pastry and another to bring him thirteen blue sandwiches.

Draco skipped the game to go see Dumbledore to tell him abut the Bahamas being in the kitchen.

He reached the stone gargoyle, paused and said, "cheese!"

The stairs to Dumbledore's office appeared. He stepped into the office and blinked, the office was bare, save for a desk, which held two books titled _Cheese Please _and _Cheese through the Ages, _there were also pictures of what appeared to be pieces of cheese, in cheese-sized bikinis that would have been revealing, if cheese had anything to reveal. He saw a door that he didn't remember, his curiosity got the best of him and he turned the knob.........

Pansy nervously walked towards the Gryffindor common room, hoping to see Ron, at the thought of Ron she giggled, causing Hufflepuffs to stop their various chores for Owen to stare. She blushed and ran to the Fat Lady's corridor, on the way she passed the Grey Lady and Professor Binns snogging enthusiastically in the hallway. She gagged silently went up to the Portrait and found the Fat Lady snogging the old Headmaster Dippet.

She coughed politely and said "What's the password?"

The portrait hole opened and Pansy crawled in. She couldn't see a thing, only smoke in rainbow colors. She coughed violently.

"FIRE! FIRE!" People looked at her blankly, and then started to laugh.

Beet-red she screamed, "RONALD WEASLEY, I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"

Ron looked up at the mention of his name, nodded dumbly, and Pansy raced across the room, landing in his lap. She smiled like an idiot, and Ron shrugged, and gave another puff, letting out a cloud of fuchsia smoke.

Draco gave a little shriek. He had just opened up a closet, and inside was Dumbledore, and he wasn't alone. He was alternating kissing a piece of Vermont Sharp Cheddar, and what looked like Mozzarella. By the look of things, he had two more pieces of cheese down his pants. These pieces of cheese weren't wearing skimpy outfits like the pictures, they had no clothes on, but there were some cheese-sized undergarments littering the floor of the closet. Dumbledore paused in the process of licking the Cheddar, saw Draco screamed and cowered in the corner of the closet, while bravely trying to put himself between Draco and the cheese.

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A CHEESE SLUT!" Draco yelled

"You're not cheese! You're not even the least bit cheesy! Get out of my office, you wanker!"

"You mean you don't find me sexy! Everyone thinks I'm sexy! I was second only to Owen in Witch Weekly's Wonderful Warlock of 2003 special!"

"You're not cheesy; you're a pasty-assed white boy! That means you're butt-ugly!"

"Before I go cry in the corner on account of my world collapsing around me, I just want you to know that the house elves have transfigured the kitchen into the Bahamas."

"Oh I know, me and the girls are going swimming this afternoon. And no, even though you're jealous of my skills with the ladies, I'm not letting you attack and/or steal my ladies."

"I don't want your skanky pieces of cheese! I want real nude women! Not pieces of cheese! I mean you probably only have sex with cheese because no women will have you, I on the other hand have a waiting list."

Draco turned and stalked out of Dumbledore's office before putting a cleaning charm on his eyeballs. He walked through the halls, and Dumbledore and his four cheesefriends ran through the hall nude. Draco turned and went right back into the bathroom to clean out his eyes again.

"Everyone return to your common rooms immediately." Owen's magically enhanced voice announced. Draco rushed back to his common room, no one disobeyed an order from Owen, it was like refusing a command from god.

Draco arrived, panting in the Slytherin common room, and some very grave faces met his eyes. He didn't have time to speculate before Owen stepped into the common room, and was immediately harassed by people demanding to know what was happening.

"I know you all want to know what happened, but you need to stop molesting me first. Tonight, a student was attacked by some unidentified evil; we don't now what it was, only that it wasn't human. Calm down, I personally assure you that no harm will come to you, I've searched this castle and there is no trace of anything suspicious. The student is badly injured, but with my expertise, he will be renewed to full health soon."

"Who was the student?"

"The student? Oh yes, silly me, the student was Ronald Weasley." He took one look at Pansy, who had just burst into tears and was miming strangling something "This thing is dangerous, and I don't want anyone going after it."

The Slytherins were incredibly sad, even though Ron was on drugs, he had been a friend to everyone, mostly because he was hallucinating, and thought they were someone else. The school wasn't the same, everyone was afraid they'd be next, it was like a couple years ago when students were being attacked, but Owen had saved them all then, and he was going to save them again, no one had any doubts that Owen would just let something go around killing students.

The Ravenclaws let off steam the only way they knew how; they partied long and hard, all the time. Harry, Hermione and Dudley were partying with them, they were still on their drugs, but they did like glowsticks. All day, all music, pretty lights, and– ooh! Shiny things. McGonagall was there too, she only left to "stand up to the man, man" everyone was enjoying themselves except for Pansy, who was standing on top of the Astronomy Tower, feeling very sorry for herself.

"PANSY! What are you doing?" Goyle yelled

"I'm jumping off the tower!" Pansy yelled dramatically

"I know you're feeling sad, and suicide is a natural thing to consider, just look at Cedric Diggory, he was so unpopular he killed himself!"

"I'm dying and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Goyle ran shrieking "OWEN, OWEN!" all the was to the hospital wing,

"What's all the noise; I'm treating a patient here!"

"It's Pansy she's going to jump off the Astronomy Tower!"

Owen ran off, presumably to rescue Pansy, Goyle sighed, he was just so, Owen, great, handsome and perfect in everyway, too bad he was dating Pavarti........

Owen couldn't believe it, everyone was coming to him for help, it was enough that he had to revive Ron, but now he had to stop his idiotic girlfriend from killing herself. He had lied, he knew exactly what had attacked Ron, but he didn't want to destroy it, he was pretty sure that would destroy this alternate reality, even though there was this much hassle involved with being as popular as he was, he didn't want it to end, the school was plastered with pictures of him, there was even an alter set up in his honor.

Harry stumbled blindly into the Owlery; he didn't even know what he was doing there, once he was there. From behind him came a soft hoot. He turned around and saw a short girl, about his age with milky white skin and shiny white-blond hair. Hey eyes were a golden tawny. She wore a clinging dress that looked like it was made of black tipped white feathers. Her nails were long and sharp, painted orange, she wore orange sandals. Harry smiled shyly; this was unarguably the prettiest girl he had ever seen. Her orangey lips parted in a smile, she made a soft cooing noise, crossed the room and preened his hair with her fingers. Harry didn't know what he was doing or why, but suddenly he was kissing this girl that he had never seen before, that hadn't even said a word to him.

Ron was lying on a bed in the hospital wing, and was steadily changing from green to blue to orange in quick succession. He only glimpsed what attacked him, but he was traumatized. It was huge, golden, insect-like, and had a weird marking on its back, a circle surrounding a five pointed star.

The attacker was prowling the school unnoticed due to the fact that most of the school was in the Ravenclaw party, which had been transferred into the great hall. Everyone was there except for Dumbledore who was with his cheese, Percy and Bill, Owen, Ron, and Snape because he was finishing his adopting papers

"I've got a son! I've got a son!" he yelled before starting to do the cha-cha around the dungeons.


End file.
